It's my obsession

It's been a while

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 10:53:03 GMT

I've been so ill over this past year since I last updated. It's all been a blur, one big messy blur. I was in hospital for a long time I got out about 3 months ago and today for some reason I felt compelled to come back to LJ, to check all the communities I was a part of when I was at my thinnest. When I came out of hospital I was at a ridiculous weight - somewhere around 100lbs. I've managed to get down to about 90lbs now, but I want to reach 80lbs again or even lower... I just don't seem to have the strength within me now to go that little bit extra. Hospital sucked it all out of me, all the drive and motivation I had to just simply disappear. My days are now spent curled up in a blanket of misery and self loathing. I feel like a big fat hippo, I really do.

I don't know what to do with myself, I want to get better.. kind of. Yet I want to be the thinnest, I want to be the winner.

This fucking sucks.

Weakness setting in..

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 08:29:54 GMT

Last night was terrible, I felt like I was about to die. I remember trying to get out of bed so I could grab my phone incase something really terrible happened to me and I had to call the emergency services, but it felt like I was paralysed and my legs wouldn't work, so I just tried to stay calm and not let panic set in and eventually the feeling that I was on the brink of death subsided.

I woke up far too early again, I just don't seem to be able to sleep properly these days. After waking up I had a quick shower, but the hard cold marble floor in the shower really hurt to stand on, so I gave up and came downstairs to update my numerous journals and play some acoustic guitar... badly, lol.

I don't have any plans for the day now. I guess I'll just try and do some excercise, if my body lets me.

I have to go see my friend, Anna, at the hospital later. It's so ridiculous, 'they' said she only had a week or so left to live due to malnourishment, but she survived 3 weeks before she collapsed and her parents had her taken off to hospital, she's been in 2 days so far so I thought I'd go along and bring her some flowers and things to cheer her up a bit. She's absolutely terrorfied of being tube-fed, as I'm sure we all are... poor girl :(.

Feelings I don't want to lose.

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 05:19:20 GMT

you strike me as the mould of perfection,
but I can see a chink in your armour,
I can see gaps that noone else can.
I dreamt of fires, burning my bridges down, but this wasn't my only method of escape.
I could rip down the walls, and chew on the debris..
But it'd cause me a million years of suffering, so I still cherish you in all your beauty, and I continue to listen to your constant agression, bleeding like capilaries, perfect anger built up over centuries of misused terms...
& I love you...
But I love you...
& I need you
{to help me focus my attention on something other than myself}.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

You're a dreamer, dancing through the mist, with your bones on show, indecently.
You're a fader, a distant memory that I can't quite recollect right now.
You're a cancelation, a dissapointment to society.
You're a no-show, a beauty pin-up, a scantily clad emaciated version of the child within us all.

Just two for now. I apologise if you find me disturbing. I've been writing alot recently.

Is this not the end of the world as we know it?

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 05:15:30 GMT

A new journal; started on impulse... laying awake last night I remembered the hours I spent on livejournal, talking to people who shared my feelings, remembering often has strange effects on me - so I decided to start a new, secret journal. Safe from the prying eyes of therapists, family members, loved ones. Here I can open up and be myself, tell it how it is, without the added worry of worrying those I care most about.

They've already been through hell with me, why should I involve them this time round?.

It's been just under 5 years since I last went into hospital, or recovery, whatever you want to call it. And although I ballooned to a healthy weight of 110 lbs, I wasn't happy. I could feel the fatty globules underneath my paper thin skin, bouncing into each other, trying to burst out through my clothes with every movement I made, so I rediscovered the strength from within and starved myself 'sane' again. Every lb I lost made me feel worthy and gave me something to do with my time.

If you're interested in statistics then here you go:
Age; 22
Weight; 80lbs
Height; 5'3"
BMI; 14.2
Goal; I have no goal, I'll stop when I want to.

I am currently in a recovery programme, against my will. The most common misconception about me is that I want to die. This isn't the case, I don't want to die at all... I just simply focus my attention on something other than satisfying the hunger inside. I love the initial pang of hunger when I wake up after a few minutes of sleep, it reminds me that I'm not like the rest, I don't have to spend my money on what we supposedly need to survive, I don't need food to survive, and I've prooved that so many times before now, but I can't abandon this now.